Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Emo.....

Well, recently I was quite emo in sch. It's juz that I don let my emo feelings get over me. I feel veri tired, my head juz won't remember the theory lessons that's goin on.... I didn't score well this semester. My grades r falling. I know I needed help but den I never ask...

Sometimes, i juz felt like being alone. Wat exactly happen? I'm nt sure either...

The things I'm sayin doesn't mean wat my heart is thinkin...

Mayb it all falls back on the JPAE application this yr. Well, this yr JPAE courses available for ITE BCT course is more impressive than last yr due to the fact that NYP had actually increased 2 science courses to 6 science courses. Mayb they finally realised the potiential of BCT students. NP on the other hand offered 9 courses this yr as compared to 3 courses last yr. Out of the 9 courses, only 1 science course is being offered whereas last yr the 3 courses NP offered 2 were science courses.

Ya, that's rite. NP had withdraw one of its science courses from the JPAE. Guess wat course was it? Yup, Biomedical Science. I guess I was the reason y NP withdraw BMS from JPAE. My results wasn't good. In fact, I'm the lowest scorer in my course. My ITE results were much better den my poly results. I'm better at practical den theory lessons. Somehow, I robbed my juniors of the chance to study this course due to my lousy results.I felt so bad.... Really, Andrew my ITE friend told mi he wanted to study this course but sadly, I have to tell him I'm so sorry to him. I was initially posted to M.Biotech but I was more interested in BMS due to the fact that in 2nd yr, I have a chance to opt for BLT so I appeal for BMS. I guessed my choice was wrong from the start.

Last friday, I went for the BLT interview. After the interview, I was quite sad. Cos during the interview, the interviewer never asked me any questions at all. Instead, she explained colour blindness to me. -.-" It's not like I don know my condition at all. She kept assuring me being colour blindness wasn't the end of evereything. She break to me in gentle words to tell me I wasn't suitable for BLT as the course will involved looking at tubes of different colours, interpreting results of different colours. Being colourblind, i will have a hard time trying to tell the correct colour. She said being colourblind doesn't mean I am not good. She said it's better for me to stay in BMS den BLT. She kept telling me that it's not my fault that I was colourblind.

I know it wasn't my fault that I was colourblind. One of my mom's gene was a recessive one and so I was born wif it. I never blamed my mom for passing me this gene n I am grateful to her for giving birth to me.Well, I never asked to b colourblind n I don wish to b one oso. It wasn't my fault either but y was I deny the chance of going to BLT due to my condition. I wanted to prove that colourblind ppl could do the same as a normal person. I had come so much n given up a lot of things to b in NP n somehow... I felt as if I shld nt come to a science course in the beginning. Colourblind ppl shld not take up science courses as a lot of practical involved colours. I was at a disadvantage as compared to others.

I know ppl shld look at a brighter side. Ppl look at me wif curious eyes, sometimes they juz kept asking me how do I look at colour? Some even ask me some questions which I felt was quite retarded. Wat colour is the grass? wat colour is my shirt? Dude, I'm nt colourblind to that extend. Prehaps my way of interpreting green is different to you. Prehaps the green that you r lookin at is different from the way I'm lookin. We see the same colours in different way. Sadly, I knew I could never see the true colours of a rainbow cos I don't know if the colours I see is the correct colour normal ppl see.

I know I shld nt b depressed over this as there r others less fortunate den me. Some r born totally colourblind meaning in their world it's only black n white. Some r born blind n they could only hear from ppl abt wat's goin on in this world.

But yet, I am still emo.... Mayb I'm still grieving for the BLT thingy, mayb I'm sad over the JPAE thingy, mayb I still couldn't get over abt her throwing present away.

Todae, I juz learnt that Evan from 1M04 had quit BMS, I was kinda shocked as I remembered him in my IS lessons. He was quite a quiet n nice guy. The last time I saw him was last yr. No wonder, I kept sensing that there was a missing person n I couldn't put a face to that.

Nowadays, I juz don hav the heart to do or study things. Whenever I reach home from sch, I will stay in my room staring at the 4 walls until I realised it was late n I shld sleep.... I think I have changed from being a lively person to a quiet person. I liked reading a lot but recently, I will borrow books from library n den i will juz stack it at a corner until it was time to return. I juz don feel like reading liao. Watever is becoming of mi? I never watched tv, I never go online. I never touch my games consoles for months. I juz feel like doing nth n stare at the wall all day long. Alone in my room....

I don know how long this will continue.... I'm tired of everything... I want to rest on my bed... I want to have a good sleep..... It has been months since I had a good undisturbed sleep. I will wake up in the middle of the nite, hearing my heart beating. I could hear it beating wif my ears. Am I ok or nt?

ps... CNY is in 5 days time.... Counting down to birthday...

Labels: wat can i do...