Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Mother

Mother was in her forties when she gave birth to me. I had an elder sister who was 9 years older than me. Father passed away when I was 5 years old. Mother brought us up by herself all these years.

As long as I could remember, mother always wore a jade bangle with her. That jade bangle was very old and there were some cracks on it. She don’t like anybody to touch that and she never took out from her hand ever before.

Being the youngest, mother always doted on me; whatever I want she would never hesitated to buy or give me. With the only exception, that jade bangle.

People always long to get what they can’t have.

I was always begging her to let me touch that, let me wore that for awhile. She would always reject my wish and tried to give me something else.

* * *

Time passes very fast, I was 20 years old. Mother was still so precious of her jade bangle. It looked so old to me. I had always asked her to get rid of it but she would never take it off and throw it away.

One day I was carrying some heavy metal stuffs when I passed by her. While walking by her, her bangle got bumped onto the metal stuffs I was carrying. The jade bangle was badly scratched.

Mother was furious with me and we quarrel.

“It was just a bangle. It's nothing much and worthless. It was so old anyway.” I said. “You should just throw it away.”

She slapped me when she heard that. I was so angry with her. She had never slapped me before. I ran out of the house and she just kept examining at that bangle seeing if there are any further damages to it.

From that day onwards, I made up my mind never to talk to her again.

She had wanted to tell me she was sorry for slapping me and she wanted to make up for it but I refused to talk to her. I moved out of the house soon after that.

I knew I was in the wrong but my pride just refused to let me talk to her. We never talked for 10 years. Throughout the years, my sister was the only one I talked to. She would keep me updated with mother’s news. Despite my sister's countless pleads to ask me to forgive mother, I never went back. I would send part of my earning back to them.

I was thirty years old when I received news of my mom sick. She refused to leave the house. My sister contacted me to ask me to go back to see her for one last time. I reluctantly agreed to go back.

* * *

“W.K, mom has been asking for you throughout these years. She missed you very much.” My sister was telling me.

I was still feeling sore towards her. “That old bangle was more important to her than her son!”

“W.K, there are things that you don’t know. That bangle had a story to it.” My sister said.

“A story?” I was puzzled. “What story?”

“I will let mom tell you the story herself.” She said. “This is mom’s story.”

* * *

We went up to mother's room.

I knocked on the door.

“Come in.” My mom said.

We walked in. My mother was sitting on a rocking chair. There was a small table beside her. There was an old, dusty book on it. Mother was so pale and skinny. I knew that she doesn’t have much time left in her.

That jade bangle was still there on her hand. I flicked my eyes off when I saw that. Seeing that bangle makes me more angry.

“Mom…” I was still feeling stiff towards her.

“W.K, you have come back.” She said. “Come, it’s time that I told you something that you should have known long ago.”

“This is a story I owe you.” She continued. “You will understand when you know about it.” I stood beside her as I listened.

"What story?" I asked. "The story of that bangle?"

Mother was sitting up, pointing to that dusty book on the table. I picked up that book and opened it. It was actually a photo album.

There are lots of mom and dad's wedding photos. Flipping over the pages, I saw mom carrying a baby, smiling happily. Flipping over more pages and I could see the baby girl growing up on different photos. There was this familiar feeling that I have saw her before but I just couldn't remember.

"Is this sis you were carrying?" I asked.

"Yes but that is not me." My sister answered. "That is elder sis."

"Huh? What are you talking about?" I was puzzled.

“Well you see; you had 2 sisters.” My mom said to me.

“I had another sister? How come I never hear you or sis mention her before?” I asked.

“Nobody would dare to mention her when I am around.” mother paused for a while before replying. My sister was weeping silently.

"What happen?" I asked. At the last few pages of the photo album, I saw photos of my 2 sisters together. I saw a photo of my sisters holding up a baby me together and smiling. I took a closer look at my elder sister photo.

"How come I don't remember her?" I said. "What happen to her? Where is she now?"

“She was 18 years older than you. You were still quite small back then. You were only 2 years old at that time." She said.

"That time?" I asked.

"She was the first child of the family. She was very pretty, smart, cheerful and everything a mother could hope for. She always tops her classes no matter what. She was the apple of my eyes. As a reward, I bought her a jade bangle. Your sister loved that bangle very much and wore it whenever she went.

During school holiday, she was working to earn some extra cash. She was only 20 years old when she fell in love with her colleague. A guy who never completed his primary school education. Because of him, your sister was willing to give up her studies. Giving up her bright future just to be with him. Of course, I was furious when I knew it.

I locked up your sister and made her promise that she will never again look up for that guy. Your sister was very upset and refused to eat. She was heart-broken and cried everyday. One day that guy turn up and managed to break her window to get her free. She ran off with him. I heard the broken shattered glass and gave chase.

I chased after them streets after streets. I was running after them across a road when I slipped and fell down. When I stood up, I noticed a car approaching me fast. I was too shocked to react. Your sister saw that and she ran back, pushed me out of the way and got hit by the car instead.

I was horrified. She was bleeding badly. Before she died, she took out this bangle and put it on for me. She told me that she was sorry to disappoint me. She only wanted to live a life with him. She asked me to forgive her….. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, how sorry I am towards her but she never got to hear me. She passed away in my arms after asking for my forgiveness.

From that day onwards, nobody would ever mention her in front of me again. Your dad, your neighbors…. There was this part of me which had died along with her. I never took off this bangle ever since she put it on for me. This bangle was the last thing she put on my hand. This was her favourite thing. This was my last memory of her.” My mother said with tears rolling off her eyes.

“Mom, I’m sorry.” I said, kneeling down beside the rocking chair. “I’m really sorry to you.” Tears were rolling down. "I never knew this bangle meant so much to you. I never knew it was elder sister's stuff."

“W.K. It’s ok.” She stroked my head. “I guessed you finally understand why that bangle was so precious to me. Right?”

“Yes.” I mumbled.

“I’m also sorry to you. I shouldn’t slap you. You never mean any harm to the bangle.” Mom said. “Forgive me, son.”

“Mom, you don’t need to say this, I should be the one to apologize.” I said.

“It had been bothering me for a very long time. I never forgot her, I only wanted the best thing for her. I also wished I could turn back time. Sometimes, I had those thoughts; if only I had not given chase, if only I agreed to that relationship. I had so many regrets. There are so many things I wished I have never done….” She said. “But I think it’s time that I let go…”

For the 1st time, I saw mother took out the jade bangle from her hand carefully.

She looked at it for one last time before putting it on the table and stared in front at an empty space as if there was someone standing there.

"Forgive me, daughter..." Mother was whispering. "I also wanted to tell you I'm sorry to you and please forgive me."

Gently rocking the chair, mother lie back on the rocking chair. She smiled peacefully and closed her eyes for the last time. Never to open them again.

* * *

戴在手上, 便也戴在心上.
傷在心上, 便也傷在手上.
不願碰的, 是那心上的傷.
不願摘的, 是那難捨的愛.

Labels: A Mother's love